\"I Want Help… But I Don’t Know How to Get Better” Why the Victim Mindset Is So Common After Narcissistic-Type Abuse—and What to Try Instead
Some people stay stuck after narcissistic-type abuse not because they’re unwilling to move forward—but because they simply don’t know how.
They’ve been in therapy—sometimes for months, even years.
They’ve journaled, cried, read the books, joined the support groups. And still, something doesn’t shift.
Note: If that’s where you are—especially after 3 months of weekly therapy—it likely doesn’t mean you’re too broken to get better.
It probably means you haven’t had the right kind of support yet.
Not every approach is designed to guide someone through the specific fog of narcissistic-type abuse and the survival patterns it leaves behind.
It can feel like you're doing “all the right things,” yet somehow, you're still deep in the pain. Still repeating the story. Still feeling powerless.
Most often…
It’s not laziness.
It’s not resistance.
It’s survival.
But sometimes it is resistance. And sometimes, we are avoiding the work.
Not because we’re bad people—but because part of us is terrified that nothing will change anyway.
But if you recognise that you keep asking for help, and nothing is changing… it might be time to look at what kind of help you’re seeking—and whether you’re ready to do the kind of work that brings real relief (the frustrating kind that feels hard and boring at first, but actually changes things over time).
The Trap of the Victim Mindset
When you’ve been gaslit, belittled, manipulated, or made to question your own reality over and over again, it makes sense that you’d want comfort more than challenge. The nervous system is fried. The heart is raw. The self-worth? Practically non-existent.
So it’s natural to reach for relief. But here’s where things get tricky:
If we stay in that place too long—telling the same stories, seeking validation from the same support circles, repeating “what happened to me” without learning “what I can do now”—we risk turning our survival response into a lifestyle.
The victim mindset becomes a kind of emotional quicksand. The more we sit in it, the harder it is to imagine climbing out.
How to Know If You’re Stuck in the Loop
This isn’t about blame. It’s about curiosity. Here are a few signs you might be asking for help without being ready (or equipped) to actually move:
- You’ve joined multiple support groups but rarely apply advice given.
- You feel temporarily better after venting, but nothing in your day-to-day improves.
- You say, “I want to heal,” but get overwhelmed or shut down when given an action step.
- You still feel defined by what they did to you—not who you are now.
- You keep waiting to feel ready, but that day never really comes.
You’re not wrong or broken. You might just be emotionally exhausted. Or too used to being in crisis mode to imagine what peace could feel like.
What Recovery Actually Looks Like
Recovery from narcissistic-type abuse doesn’t start with rehashing every detail of what they did to you. It starts with one small moment where you do something different—for you.
- Saying no, even when you’re scared.
- Journaling your thoughts, even when they feel messy.
- Practising deep breathing the moment you feel dysregulated, not two hours later.
- Noticing your triggers, instead of acting on them.
- Recognising that validation feels good, but it won’t build your future.
This is the unsexy stuff. The quiet work. But it’s what moves people out of survival mode and back into self-respect.
A Real Client Moment
One client came to me after more than a decade of therapy. She knew everything about narcissistic abuse. She could explain trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance better than some professionals. But she was still walking on eggshells. Still afraid to say no. Still waiting to feel worthy.
We didn’t start with big goals. We started with breathing. Then we added small acts of self-respect. Consistency replaced urgency.
And slowly, she began to see change. Not because she found a miracle tool. But because she stopped waiting to feel ready.
Try This Instead
If you’re feeling stuck, here are three things to try this week:
1. Breathe before you react.
Box breathing for 60 seconds when you're overwhelmed can calm your system enough to think clearly again
2. Write down what you want instead of what you’ve lost.
Even if it feels silly or unreachable. This starts to rewire the brain toward possibility.
3. Say out loud: “That happened. But I decide what happens next.”
Speak it, even if you don’t fully believe it yet. The habit of reclaiming your timeline matters.
Feeling Ready to Start Small?
If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of asking for help but not feeling better—it’s not because you’re beyond repair. It’s likely because you were never given a practical map out of the fog.
The Self-Love Builder Toolkit is a gentle place to start. It includes grounding tools, journaling prompts, and small steps that help you reconnect with yourself—not your story.
Or if you’d rather talk it through with someone who understands the confusion, the fear, and the stuckness, you can book a free 45-minute chat with me here. No pressure. Just clarity.
You’re not weak for needing help. But you do deserve help that moves you forward.
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